Journey to Jordan

The journey to Amman, Jordan actually began long before I thought it did, even if I didn’t realize it at the time. It was at a missionary luncheon in January that the words, “You should come to Jordan. The time is right” first landed in my subconscious. I had always been interested in going to Israel, but the continual conflict in the Middle East had pushed the idea further and further from my mind. As I left the lunch that day I remember thinking, “The Middle East is one of those things I’m going to work my way up to…maybe in like 5 years when things calm down, but right now–no way!”

But as the saying goes, “If you want to make God laugh…tell Him your plans.” And it seemed like God’s plan was for me to head to the Middle East. As the trip to Jordan started to become a reality, a stirring began to happen. Books about the Middle East crossed my desk at the library. My boss sent me to the Senior Center to cover a program for her where the topic was…drumroll…Jordan. My mom was watching something one evening as I walked through the living room about none other than Jordan. All signs seemed to be pointing to one place, but even as I started to entertain the idea that I might go, there were still a mountain of roadblocks that lay in the way. The trip was going to fall on my weekend to work and it was near impossible to swap. The dates also coincided with my book club program and on top of that I had started a new job and wasn’t sure if I had enough vacation days or if they would let me off for so many days. And then there was conflict in the Middle East where missiles were flying all over the place causing me to wonder if it was even safe to go at all. But somewhere in the middle of all the uncertainty, a whisper from the Lord kept coming to mind, “Why not now?” That little three-word question challenged me because if I’m honest I live a lot of my life in someday mode which too often turns into never mode. I could have easily listed all the reasons above as why not, but when it comes to a God who can do anything, my flimsy excuses don’t really stand a chance. It would not be easy to clear the way, but if the Lord wanted to move the hurdles, I decided I would not stand in his way.

And move them He did. One by one, the programs and weekends shifted and the challenges that had presented themselves began to fade away. In their place an excitement began to rise and because God had worked out my ability to go on the trip in such a stunning way, I could only assume that meant that He had something absolutely amazing waiting for me in Jordan. In fact I was counting on it. After the way the year had been going, I needed something that would remind me of God’s faithfulness. And I just knew He was going to do something mind-blowing!

So when I woke up on Day 5 with terrible sinus issues that later turned into a fever, I couldn’t understand what the Lord was up to exactly. I’d been able to experience some amazing things and met some wonderful people already, but one of the things I had been looking forward to the most was going to Petra and camping in the Wadi Rum Desert. Like a cold winter wind, the word disappointment wrapped around me. It was an all too familiar friend and quite frankly I was a little tired of seeing its presence show up. Didn't it have anyone else it could bother? Nonetheless, I tried to make the most of things and display a good attitude–I was there to serve others after all–but inwardly I threw myself a mini pity party because didn’t the Lord know what all I had been through to even be on the trip? I could have stayed at home and had a fever.

Despite the setback, I did my best to rally because what else could I do? The team members with me were incredibly kind and I hated that they were having to also deal with me not feeling well. And our missionary partner was so amazing! She took me to her house and cooked for me and got me medicine. I reminded myself over and over that the Lord could see things I couldn't and to see it as an opportunity for some one-on-one time with her.

Mercifully, by the time the team came back from their overnight stay in the desert and were headed to the Baptismal Site of Jesus, the Dead Sea and Mount Nebo I was on the mend and could join the group once again. Like something out of a Star Wars movie, we weaved through dusty mountains and hills towards incredible sights I had only ever read about before. One of those sights was the Jordan River where a few of us chose to get baptized. As I went under and came back up, I silently prayed. “Lord, I asked you to lead my life a long time ago and as I get baptized here in the same river that You did, I want to declare to you that I’m still in. I want it to be a symbol that I will continue to follow you all the days of my life no matter what comes.” I fully meant that prayer as I was dunked underneath the murky waters of the Jordan, but it wasn’t until later that it dawned on me that what I had told the Lord meant that no matter what life was bringing—unplanned circumstances, hard seasons, fevers–that I had a choice to make. I could lean into bitterness and disappointment and or I could accept that come what may, God was in control.

As we headed into the second part of our day, I tried to enjoy what we were doing that day and not focus on what I had missed. We were doing some unbelievable things that many people never get to experience, but I’m ashamed to admit that the shadows of disappointment still lingered in the back of my mind. I was fighting an inner battle of giving into the sorrow of unfairness and also trying not to let it rob me of the joy still to be found on the trip. We enjoyed a float in the Dead Sea, had a nice lunch and made our way to Mount Nebo where Moses had looked out into the land God promised His people. I’m not sure what I expected to see, but as we rounded the corner and the panorama came into view, my heart lurched. You always hear the Promised Land described as the “land of milk and honey” and I guess I’ve always thought it was this luxurious destination with rich colors and vibrant rivers flowing through a sort of paradise. Instead, what I saw was a lot of rocks and dusty hills as far as the eye could see with only little patches of green. To be in the very spot (or close to) that Moses stood so long ago took my breath away, while also stirring my spirit. As I scanned the horizon, the small amount of greenery stood out in stark contrast to the taupe landscape surrounding it from all sides. As I took it in, it struck me not only because of the Biblical significance but also because the view I was looking at in the moment mirrored what my own life had looked like the past few months. It had been a year of dry and weary places and I couldn’t help but wonder if a little patch of green could be found in the middle of Nebo’s parched land, could the same be true in my life? Truthfully missing out wasn’t as big of a deal as I was making it, but as a cherry on top of a year that had already held an avalanche of disappointments and hardships, it felt like a tipping point, especially after I had done so much to even be standing in Jordan. But as I looked out at something that provided clear evidence that there can be life even in the middle of a dry and desolate place, a tiny sprout of hope began to work its way through my heart. Was it possible to hold both joy and sorrow at the same time? Could you be walking through a dry place but also find hope?

As I reflected on what I had seen, I a dug a little deeper into what the land of milk and honey actually meant. It’s not that there are literal rivers of honey or milk flowing, but rather it means that it is a land that is fertile and has a great abundance. The terms “milk and honey” comes from their being an abundance of livestock that produced milk and fruit trees that provided honey. The history here is rich and also important because the Israelites hadn't had a merry road trip straight from Egypt to blessing. They had come from a place of slavery, been on a long journey and lived many years in the desert before finally gaining access to a place where God allowed them into abundance. But the thing was, God had already provided everything they needed before they ever reached the Promised Land. His presence had been there in Egypt as they faced a grueling existence. His guidance had been there in the wilderness when He led them by fire. And His provision had been there in the manna falling from the sky when they needed something to eat. It may not have looked like they thought or felt very good, but there was never a moment in their journey that God wasn't there. But like so many of us, myself included, the Israelites didn't remember what God had done; instead they let fear, a lack of faith and their circumstances cause a denial of their passport into greener pastures for forty years. From the edge of the desert, carrying the weariness of 40 years and delayed promises, I'm sure it was very hard to imagine what all God had for them in the next place. And I'm sure their weariness and hardships blinded them to being able to see any possibility of good at that moment. As I wrestled with the disappointment in my own heart, I realized how much I could relate. From atop the mountain, I couldn’t see the Dead Sea or the city or any of the wondrous different types of landscapes Jordan has to offer. And from the lens of missing out on Petra and Wadi Rum, I couldn’t see that I’d spent time with some amazing first graders, chatted with a couple from Turkey, worshipped with people of a different nationality, eaten shawarma and fatayer, seen a castle, explored the ruins of Jerash, learned about the history of the missions work in the area, floated in the Dead Sea, gotten baptized in the Jordan River, and witnessed something special as a people surrounded by darkness tried to shine their light for Jesus. There were oh so many beautiful moments that God had allowed me to be a part of during the trip that I had not been able to see when my focus was singular. And while I was still sad that I had missed the things I did, I was starting to realize what I had outweighed what I didn’t have. I held disappointment, but I also held wonder. I held sadness, but I also held beauty. I’d experienced a year in the desert but I also had been provided with exactly what I needed to walk through it.

I wish I could tell you that I realized all this before we left and that I had that big moment I had been hoping for, but in all honesty I wrestled with the sting of disappointment a little longer than I should have. Maybe it’s that my heart needed to remember how to be grateful. Maybe it was because the year’s hardships had made me weary and I just couldn’t see it right away. I’m not sure why I got so stuck on what I hadn’t been able to do, but as I allowed the Lord to continue to work on me even after we returned, I started to see that what happened in Jordan was actually preparing me for what was to come and that it would stand as a lesson that would sum up what the year 2025 had been for me. Challenging circumstances had wreaked havoc for months and then even more sorrow came in the form of the death of a family member. Sorrow seemed to meet me around every corner, but every time it threatened to overtake me I would remember that picture I took standing atop Mount Nebo and the way the Lord had highlighted that moment for me. I’d had big expectations for Jordan…for the year…for my life and while things hadn’t turned out exactly as I hoped or thought, if I looked really closely, I could see patches of color amidst the mundane. I could see moments of joy and beauty amidst the brokenness and the hard. And I could find something good even when things didn’t feel good.

I know this is somewhat of an odd Christmastime post, but as we look to say goodbye to one calendar year and step into another I can’t think of a better lesson to take with me than the one that both the trip and this year has taught me. It’s the lesson that life and death, joy and sorrow, tears and laughter, and brokenness and redemption go hand in hand in life. It’s not that you get through the bad moments and enjoy the good, it’s that you realize they are working together to make your story uniquely yours. If we can learn to recognize the mountaintop is still there when we are in the valley, that there is good to be found when nothing feels good, that we can make it through that really hard thing we are walking through because we know God has been faithful and can work all things to good…even when it doesn’t match our idea of good, then we can consider it a victory. Because then and only then can we move forward recognizing beauty among ashes…green patches among dust…hope among disappointment and delight among melancholy. I hope the things I’ve wrestled with in my heart this year meets your heart where you need it. I hope you are encouraged that no matter what you are walking through or carrying right now, that God is there in it with you and that what you see right now is not the whole picture. He is our only hope.

-Only Hope

To the team,

It was truly a once in a lifetime experience journeying through Jordan with you. We really did get to do so many incredible things and hopefully plant seeds that will outlast our visit. Mindy, thank you for leading us so well and saying yes to God's prompting. Shaun and Amal, thank you for hosting us and treating us like family. Amal, thank you for spending the day with me when I was sick. Jan, Hannah, Derrell and Carly, it was so fun to get to know you better! Josh, thank you for reminding us of God's faithfulness through your sermon. What a privilege it is to have gone on this trip with all of you!